i hold on to trivial little things that are attached to memories i’ve made with someone that’s special to me - like a ticket stub to a movie that i watched with you. i remember small details and the tiniest things they might’ve mentioned to me in passing, the sorts of things that most people might overlook. i screenshot funny text message conversations that i’ve exchanged to look them over later, in case i’m having a shit day &need a pick-me-up. i enjoy the simple things - for the most part, all you have to do is keep me company and i’ll have a pretty rad day/night. i’m a hoarder for tiny tidbits/memories.
the feeling that hurts the worst to me? when i fondly remember an experience/conversation we’ve shared together, no matter how insignificant or uneventful it might seem on the surface, &the person i’ve shared it with has no recollection of said memory/conversation. it always makes me feel like i’ve failed the other person as a companion, that my company was insignificant, forgettable.
in any sort of relationship, friendship, whatever, i always feel like i’m the person who cares more. like “you don’t even understand how much you mean to me.” I feel like i’m the person who always falls faster, harder, deeper, that at subtle points, i come on too strongly - as a friend, as a girlfriend, whatever. &i hate feeling like we’re on unequal ground. at that point, it seems as if any further contact i have with that other person is starting to become annoying to them.
whenever my “i’m probably starting to annoy them” radar goes off, the only way i know how to compensate is by falling back, and eventually fading away entirely. &then i’m stuck here knowing all about your favorite things, your preferences, the memories we’ve made &i never know what to do with them cause we don’t even talk to each other anymore.